The Definition of Insanity…

…. is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

A Story.

Ever hear the story about the single girl in her mid 20′s who decided she was ready to settle down?

“She was that particular kind of girl. You know the kind I’m talking about. She had her act together, knew herself well, was admired by many, would be greenly envied if she weren’t so darn giving and lovable, with potential to accomplish anything and everything she set her mind to. By the age of 25 she was highly educated with a career that could set her up comfortably while leaving plenty of time for living and cultivating interests outside of work.

The only thing left was to find that special someone.

Fast forward several years. She was now 32. Life, fantastic. Work, great. She had many friends and interests. The only problem was she still hadn’t found a companion and she could hear the clock ticking louder and louder with each baby shower she attended.

She went to a counselor to find out “what was wrong with her”, “what she was doing wrong” that kept her single. After getting to know the girl, the counselor could not come up with any unrealistic expectation, baggage or shut door.

The counselor had the young woman describe her home and her schedule in detail. When she was done, the counselor gave her an exercise to try for several months. She sent the young woman home to clear physical space in her home and time in her schedule that she expected a mate would fill, live with it for a while and then come back to see her.”

Alternative Endings.

I’ve heard this story with several different endings. Then each ending has several possible alternative ‘moral to the story’ usually depending on the state of mind/relationship of the teller or matching the agenda point trying to be made.

I wanted to tell you this story again, not because I wanted to leave you hanging, but because it kept coming to my mind repeatedly since starting this project. AND all of the possible morals fit what I was feeling. AND all of the questions those morals brought up kept prickling at me.

So is it “Fake it ’til you make it” or “Try it to see if it works for you”? “Don’t doubt yourself so much”?

What do you do if the you find the attempt doesn’t fit you? Do you fall back to the familiar or try something completely different? What if it DOES work? Is it because this perfect girl altered many things of herself? Is that really what we should be trying to do? Was it because her Faith was rewarded? What does that say about the Faith of the rest of us who don’t get a happy regardless-of-the-outcome ending?

…

More and more questions and lost footsteps.

Just before the new year began, I wrote to all of you that we were coming out of one of the worst times of our lives and I realized we were ready to begin moving forward again.

With shaky legs, I jumped back into re-establishing the life we had before our latest roller coaster took life as we knew it through the mega 360, intending to write as I went.

Well before the end of January, I already knew I wasn’t on the right path by returning to updated versions of the familiar.  I kept fighting it anyway. Early February, I realized for some reason in spite of all my busy efforts, I was not only off course, but headed more and more in the opposite direction. I kept fighting it anyway.

By mid February I’d filled four pages of specific things I wanted to write in detail describing the productive things we were doing but hadn’t had time to write about. Yet whenever I did have the time…. I felt like too much of a hypocrite.

One Giant Step

Questions kept pelting. Frustration kept stealing motivation.

Can we go back to the way things were before? Should we try?

I quit writing.

Then the most marvelous thing happened!

I quit pushing in real life, too.

I just. let. go.