Climbing Out of the Mess – Day 2

My schedule today has looked pretty identical to yesterday. I will give you a synopsis of my progress, but I’ve been thinking about several things today someone may find helpful and others of you at least interesting.

I also realize while reading the entries of the past several days that it sounds like my depression has been just like you see in the movies. In reality it took me a while to realize I was depressed.  I knew I was sad. I realized I was staying busy to try to work through the sadness.  It took me several weeks to realize I was actually medically depressed. The house was not a dark dungeon.  I looked pretty normal most of the time (I did take a ‘forget the shower – I am staying in my jammies and crying’ day the day after).  I laughed with friends. I played with my son. For the most part to the outside eye, everything would have seemed fine. Sometimes depression is obvious and sometimes it is not. I have seen both.  I have been both.  It takes a toll either way.

Two Thoughts

There were a couple of comments for yesterday that sparked thoughts while I have been working this morning.

First. I am lucky to know myself and my other family members pretty well.  I know our strengths, our weaknesses, our backgrounds, and most of our quirks even when I don’t understand the psychology behind them all.  I have also been lucky to have several friends that I have been able to keep in my life for a very long time. Through good times and bad for all of us.  And I now realize that during those bad times, we just weren’t off our game, but each of us were almost completely different people.

Making our house a home is important to me. But when depression strikes, I sabotage myself.  I do it in ways that seem to be in character, but really go against my nature.  For example – normally my kitchen is clean and I wash dishes as I go when fixing meals so that it takes very little time to finish them after dinner.  But when I am depressed I go to baking, making more elaborate meals than normal, and fixing meals just to stock up the freezer for nights when I do not have time to cook a real meal.

They all sound like very homemaker things to do, in fact from time to time, I do do each of them.  But when the sink is already overloaded with dishes that I know I do not feel up to cleaning, adding more dishes to the sink really just goes against what is really important to me.

I also started several craft projects all at one time that when completed will add to the character of the home.  But having so many going that they flow to taking over the dining room and will be near to impossible to finish them all is also counter productive to my main purpose for doing them. There are several other examples of things I have done over the past month to add to the mess, but you get the idea.

In hindsight, I realize that Hubby and friends have also done many things that also seem like self sabotage during bad times.  Using points of their personalities, they actually go against their overall character. And not only when any of us were depressed, just any time times were tough or more stressful. Sometimes leading up to the rough spot instead of afterward.

So next time I get overly busy, I am going to try to remember to hit the breaks and focus on the basics. I am also going to try to be more aware when those around me are in overdrive. If you think about your rough spots, do you notice a similar phenomenon?

An important side note. This time around I was the one knocked for a loop. But my state had an effect on how Hubby, Little Man and friends have been over the past several weeks too. If an individual is not functioning well, no one in the family functions as they could. And according to the latest happiness study, I owe it not only to my family and friends, but to a much larger group of people to get past this.  I guess we are all threads in the fabric of society. I want to be a bright sunny yellow instead of the blue I have been carrying lately.

I am purposefully and consciously making the choice to get back on my feet even if it does take time.

Second. I realize just how easy it is to let life sneak up on you.  There is a scale called the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale that scores a listing of life events by how much stress each causes for the typical person. When you look at it notice that it often mentions change.  Not good, not bad, just change.

When big ugly things happen, you can be aware that there are things you need to do to fight off depression and illness. You can know where to look for help. You can identify the real cause of your problem.

It is when all of the little things slowly stack up on you that you get caught by surprise. The fact that the little things can be good events make it that much more likely for the overall stress to sneak up on you. You are suddenly under the weather with the cold everyone else seems to have avoided or unusually anxious or depressed. You just can not put a finger on THE cause. You can’t because there is not one thing, but many little things.

For me, depression manifests itself into armfuls of self doubt which compounds the situation. I start to question why I am overreacting to something far from catastrophic. I begin to become super sensitive to every news story and sad thing that happens around me. I begin to question and doubt everything about myself and this world.  And worst of all I tend to neglect the one source that gives me the most strength and comfort when I need it most. And this time around, I have done it mostly with a smile on my face.

– Even though I am aware of the stress scale. — Even though I am aware of other things that have caused tension in our lives before the last straw takes me under. — Even though I know myself well. — Even though my faith is strong under normal circumstances. — Even though I have traveled this road before in my life. –  Even though I came out the other side and learned from the experience.

It is just another component or side effect of depression. Depression makes it hard to be rational.

No conclusions. No morals. No big lessons. Just thoughts candidly shared for anyone else who may be in a similar situation.

My Progress On Our House:

• Our dishes are officially caught up. The kitchen looks pretty good.  When I went to the grocery store this morning for dinner fixings, I also bought a houseplant for the center of the kitchen table. I need to really push myself to wash as I go and keep the kitchen clean for a while until I am doing it without thought. It takes about 30 days to establish a new habit.  Sometimes it also takes time to re-establish a habit.
• As I folded and hung the clothes from the dryer, I started a second load to start catching up there. I did not get around to a second load last night.
• Little Man’s Room is a wreck, but at least most of his stuff is in there now instead of spread all through the house.
• We have several piles on end tables, my desk, the dining room table and one counter top, but compared to last week things are picked up fairly well. (I can not believe how messy we all can be!) I made a list of all of the craft projects I have in various states and added them to my master to do list. I am packing each project away in its own box to move to my craft closet. I did not get all of it packed up, but will continue tomorrow.  When I get back on track, I will work on the crafts one at a time.  Better for me, my dining room, and needs to be done to start clearing back up my craft space.
• The routine took less time today than yesterday even with working in the dining room, but still much more time than when I keep the house up by doing things daily.

I will try to do today’s calendar matrix weekly task from my routine.  For me it is cleaning the windows and spraying the fabrics.  I opened the windows for a minute yesterday, but it got cold and started to snow.  Just like when everyone has been sick for a while, I feel depression leaves a sick house feeling and smell.  Doing either one of today’s task will help with that a little. I am not going to bother with the baseboards, though.

The ‘do a bit extra’ rooms on my calendar for the week are the living room, dining room, the entrances and the porches. I did work in the dining room a bit today (albeit differently than usual) so that is a check mark.  I may also sweep the porches just to get some more fresh air.  Maybe.

I am also putting myself on a news sabbatical.  I am taking the saying “No news is good news.” to a more personal level.  I think it is very important to be aware of current events, but it is in my best interest as well as that of my family to focus on the positive in the world.  And let’s face it, most of what is in the papers and on the news is negative.  It is bad to be desensitized, but it is just as bad to be over sensitive. Next week sometime I will ask Hubby or a friend to start keeping me clued in on a more filtered level. Those are minutes I can focus to other constructive things in the meantime. Do you ever turn off the news? Ever notice how it makes you feel?